


Loophole

by kamehamebabe



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24716308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamehamebabe/pseuds/kamehamebabe
Summary: Yamashita Tomohisa explores his feelings, keeps on denying, and ends up still falling.
Relationships: Kamenashi Kazuya/Yamashita Tomohisa, Yamashita - Relationship
Comments: 12
Kudos: 31





	Loophole

He doesn't mean to fall.

Falling is an emotional nuisance, a path he cannot afford to take. It's complex, it's sensitive, and it's vindictive, forcing bilateral damage to anyone who tries to partake in it.

He avoids it at all times, with no one managing to fully capture the fist-sized organ inside his chest. He has always been careful, having mastered the art of giving only small pieces of his heart instead of offering it whole. 

It doesn’t mean he never tried. He had a relationship with an actress that lasted for years. But while everyone thought he was on the verge of marrying her, it wasn’t true. Has never been true. Most of the idols’ relationships caught by the tabloids are staged by the jimusho. Some had turned into real ones, but none had lasted for a long time. His turned into a real one, but it was just that - a relationship. Such is the life of an idol - to become an eternal public property in the form of a dreamy, handsome, unreachable man.

True that it did hurt him badly, but only because he thought he could finally try the proper way of being committed to someone. He wasn’t able to get over that relationship for a long time, even writing a few songs dedicated to her. But soon, after he realized that what he couldn’t let go of was actually not the girl but the  _ what if,  _ he was able to move on. 

And fast. 

And then  _ he  _ came. Well, he has always been  _ there _ , a constant force that nagged at him in every phase of his life. He used to be this ugly kid with the monstrous eyebrows that probably housed different kinds of insects, and perhaps the longest face he has ever encountered. He was also a bit clingy, always wanting to go with the cool kids and join them in their after-training activities even though he wasn't welcome. He was annoying. He also made his blood boil. He was nothing but a nuisance to him, an itch he couldn’t wait to get rid of. 

_ It’s different now, huh?  _ He thinks, annoyed at himself this time. He just made the worst decision of his life. He should have stopped it when he had the chance, but it was too late when he finally realized it.

Yamashita Tomohisa is on the verge of falling. 

And fuck, he wants to let go.

\---

He missed him. Oh God, he missed him.

Tomo quietly remains seated at the end of the long table as he sees the younger man enter the meeting room with his manager, greeting all the production staff present with his usual jovial self. He himself had been there an hour early, telling his own manager not to fetch him as he would go to the jimusho himself. He needs the drive, he says.

This pandemic is driving him crazy, not because he is forced to stay at home, but because most of his projects are put on hold. He isn’t as workaholic as the younger man, but he isn’t used to doing nothing. He is looking forward to a lot of things this year, but all he gets are disappointments. 

His biggest one to date is being unable to go on a tour with Kazuya, who, by now, has finally seen him and is currently on his way to him.

“Hey, Pi,” the younger man greets, leaning in to give Tomo the warmest of hugs, forgetting the social distancing protocols for a moment there, which the older man appreciates. 

Tomo loves Kazuya's warm hugs, craves them even. Every chance he gets to have the younger one in his arms or the other way around - he takes it. 

He closes his eyes, taking a long whiff of the signature Kamenashi smell. Tomo is not a fan of sweet perfume, but it just smells so heavenly on his friend.

“Hey, Kazu-chan,” he whispers back, holding Kazuya a tad bit longer before releasing him. “Long time, no see.”

It makes the other man chuckle. While they live in the same building and both are having their down time at the moment because of the pandemic, Tomo has been staying with his mother and sister in the apartment he had bought for them. 

It's been two weeks since he last saw Kazuya. They are a constant presence in each other's lives nowadays, and he is not used to not seeing the other at least thrice a week. 

Tomo loves Kazuya's company. His friend has a way of making him feel instantly at ease and happy without even trying. 

"It's nice to see you again, Pi." Kazuya pats him on the shoulder before sitting beside him. Tomo feels the urge to pull the younger’s chair closer, but it is deliberately placed at least a meter away because of the social distancing protocols.

2020 is a bitch of the highest level.

“Any idea how long this will last?” Kazuya whispers.

“You have a date?” Tomo asks, ignoring the sudden irritation he feels.

Kazuya shakes his head. “Nah. I just want to cook tonight.”

Tomo nods, wondering why he suddenly feels lightheaded. “Let's find out. If this lasts longer, you pretend to pee and go home. I'll cover for you.” 

They both know it's impossible, but Kazuya still giggles and hits Tomo at the head.

For the first time that day, Tomo laughs.

The meeting passes by in a blur, with the production team presenting a series of other different campaigns that will replace their concert ones. Tomo listens, but more than twice, he just finds himself drifting off. It isn’t a meeting that he has to concentrate on anyway, so he allows his subconscious to take over. 

“Yamashita-san, are you all right?” 

“Huh?” He looks around and finds curious faces staring at him. 

_ Fuck, think fast. Think fast!  _

His eyes fall on Kazuya, who has a knowing look on his face. He fights the urge to blush.

“Yes, I’m sorry,” he says, his eyes only lingering on said man for a couple more seconds before he addresses the staff. “I’m… er... just thinking how we can make sure these plans will not coincide with the… the…” He glances at Kazuya again. “...upcoming promotions of the other groups next year… like KAT-TUN's, for example.”

Silence. And then, “Oh yes! Let me explain that.”

The relief he feels for coming up with such an excuse must have shown on his face because when he glances back at Kazuya again, the younger one is snickering. 

He has no idea what such a simple action does to Tomo. 

The older man throws Kazuya the biggest glare he can muster, but it just furthers the younger man's silent laugh.

_ Bastard,  _ he mouths at Kazuya.

"You love me," replies the other with a smirk, turning his head away from him before the staff notices the two of them.

Tomo ignores the nagging feeling inside his chest.

He refuses to name it.

\---

“Dinner?” Kazuya asks as they make their way towards the elevator together.

Tomo looks confused. "Ha?"

“Your manager says you’re going back to your apartment tonight and  _ I'm cooking, remember? _ ”

Oh.  _ He did, huh?  _ “Oh. Yeah. I remember. And yes… I am going home tonight. My mom sent me away this morning. She says I’m driving her and Rina crazy,” Tomo says shyly as he pushes the button for the basement parking. “I’m making a mess there.”

"Are you now?"

Tomo nods, blushing. "She says she's too old to clean up after me. And that if I can't wash my cup of coffee, I should do that in my own house."

Kazuya giggles, making Tomo’s heart flutter of its own will. He wonders if he’s entering the realm of hopelessness.

“Can’t even wash your own dishes, huh?” A smirk. “Then… Yamashita Tomohisa... you’re officially invited to my place for dinner. I’ll make pasta and  _ I’ll _ do the dishes, but…  _ you’re _ helping me prepare.”

Tomo doesn’t hesitate. He replies with a charming smile of his own just as the elevator doors open.

“It’s a deal, Kamenashi.”

Kazuya's smile turns into another one of those full-blown grins Tomo likes to think he reserves just for him.

“Be there at 6, Yamashita.”

Tomo wonders if he just sealed a deal with the universe.

\---

Tomo also wonders why it feels natural to be with Kazuya like this - chopping vegetables and whatever it is the younger one wants him to chop, being told off because he chopped the mushrooms unevenly, and witnessing the younger man take over his own kitchen like the master chef that he is.

When he is finally seated beside Kazuya on his long, black couch, eating pasta while watching a rerun of Arashi's TV show, he realizes how much he misses home.

How much he misses  _ this. _

How much he misses  _ him. _

“You look like you’re about to have an orgasm. Is my pasta that good?”

“Eh?”

There goes that laugh again. Maybe he should take offense whenever Kazuya laughs at his expense. He doesn’t really mean to be funny, but he somehow ends up that way. 

“Your face,” Kazuya clarifies when his laugh finally subsides. “You look so… I dunno… too happy for a moment there. I thought you’re about to die and go to heaven.”

Suddenly, Tomo wonders if he should try.  _ Maybe he should.  _

He puts his plate down at the coffee table and faces the younger man. Kazuya lifts a perfect brow at him.

“I was just thinking how much I miss home,” he says staring at Kazuya’s eyes. A faint blush appears on his friend’s face. 

“Well…" The younger man clears his throat. "It’s always nice to be in your own space, surrounded by familiar things.”

Tomo reaches out and pats Kazuya’s nose with his finger. “Exactly,” he says before turning away and snatching his plate off of the table again. His heart is beating a mile a minute.

Kazuya remains unmoving. Tomo refuses to see the expression on his friend's face.

Perhaps it really would have been better if he just orgasmed on the spot.

***

Tomo doesn’t give it a name, doesn’t  _ want _ to give it a name -  _ this _ thing that keeps thumping against his chest whenever he is with  _ him _ .

It’s not just friendship. It can’t be just that. It’s potent, suffocating, and it drives him crazy. It’s an amalgamation of several types of emotions he refuses to identify. 

It’s difficult to process, yet he knows that the dawning realization that’s starting to fuse his conscious with his subconscious will soon give way to the truth he is scared to admit.

But he isn’t ready. Not yet.

He refuses to jump into a raging river when he doesn't know where its currents would take him.

\---

“Senpai… are you two… together  _ together? _ ” A very curious Nakajima Kento asks. Hirano Sho peeks from behind his shoulder, his chopsticks stuck in his mouth as he looks from Tomo to Kazuya with something that resembles curiosity combined with slight amusement.

_ These younger ones are getting bolder,  _ Tomo thinks, sighing deeply. They accidentally ended up on a  _ double date  _ with their kouhais because of Kazuya. Not that  _ that’s _ a problem, it's actually good - Tomo loves hanging out with their juniors. He was once like them - young, idealistic, and full of energy. He feels younger whenever he's with them. 

_ But…  _ sometimes they get a bit nosy.  _ Like now.  _ They’re suddenly curious about  _ his and Kazuya's  _ relationship status just because the younger one is drunk and is acting like a clingy, extremely  _ touchy _ lover.

“What do you think?” he challenges, wondering if he will get the answer he expects.

“ _ What do they think?”  _ Kazuya cuts Tomo's words and leans in to whisper to his ear. “Come on, Pi. Takki says we should give them pointers.”

“Pointers?” Why doesn’t Takki inform him about these things? But then again, while he is closest to Takki, even he admits he’ll protest at such a directive from the man.

Kazuya nods. “He wants these two to establish their…  _ you know... _ own identity as… a… as a..."

Shall he patronize Kazuya in his drunken state? “Uh uh. And then?” 

Kazuya hits him in the arm, immediately catching up to what he's doing even if the younger man is drunk and is supposedly less coherent. 

“ _ Itai _ !”

Kazuya ignores his mock protest. “Takki… he…” the younger man continues. “ He… you know… also wants us to guide them, ease them into it,  _ you know.”  _ Kazuya glances at their kouhais and throws them a huge grin. “...let them realize why there is a need for these... new...what do you call us again, Pi?  _ Partners? Boyfriends?” _

Tomo chokes in his saliva. “Unit, Kazu-chan.”

“ _ Ohhhh. Yeah. Unit.  _ So… these new…  _ units _ , to exist outside their groups so they’ll know how to handle such circumstances. There.” 

Those could have been such nice words, if it isn’t for the seductively…  _ drunk _ tone that accompanies them.

“Kazuya--”

The younger man leans away from him, but not without playfully licking Tomo’s earlobe.

_ What the fuck-- _

“I’m going to pee,” Kazuya announces happily. “I’m going to pee,  _ Pi _ .” Then he laughs as if what he just said is the most amusing thing in the world. 

_ Oh God. _

Kazuya stands up abruptly, almost falling down in the process, but he refuses the help Tomo silently offers him. “I can pee by myself,  _ Pi. _ ”

All three of them cautiously watch as Kazuya clumsily makes his way to the toilet, ready to come to his rescue just in case his juicy ass needs help. But he manages to open the door with just a couple of minor mishaps.

Another heavy sigh leaves Tomo’s lips. They’re pretty lucky Kazuya is a regular in this restaurant. The owner immediately gave them one of the more private rooms. At least his friend will not have any unwanted witnesses.

Now off to the other issue.

“Okay, you two.” Tomo finally declares, facing the other two left with him. He wants to look stern, a technique most of them use on their kouhais when they want to be taken seriously. And with the way the younger ones shiver, he succeeds in doing so. “Don’t provoke him when he comes back.”

“But senpai--”

“He’s drunk. He’s a bad drunk. You should have called me earlier when he started to drink.”

“But Yamashita-san--”

“Who gave him drinks before I even arrived?” Tomo asks, cutting Hirano’s words. He was worried when he received a call from a very hyper, incoherent Kazuya, forcing him to cancel a meet-up with another friend. The moment he saw Kazuya’s expression when he arrived, he knew he was too late. The younger man was already drunk. 

“You sound like his boyfriend, senpai,” Nakajima quips without thinking. Hirano nodded along with his words, clearly without thinking too.

_ What?  _ “Oi. You punks.”

“But it’s true, Yamashita-san,” Hirano says. 

“What are you talking about? We’re friends obviously. Childhood friends.”

“But you still act like a married couple, senpai.”

_ A married-- _

Their kouhais should consider themselves lucky because Kazuya comes back from the restroom before Tomo can respond to that last statement. 

“I peed, Pi,” he announces cheerfully before plopping back down beside Tomo. Before anyone can ask if he’s okay, he lays his head comfortably on Tomo’s shoulder and snuggles up to him. The older man’s arm automatically wraps around the other’s shoulders, keeping him steady. He feels like Kazuya’s about to collapse any second.

“You’re a bad drunk,” he mumbles to the younger one. “That’s enough for you tonight, Kazu-chan. I’m bringing you home.”

“Mmm...kay.”

“Did he bring his car?” Tomo addresses the two juniors who are now intently studying the two of them. They both shake their heads, their eyes unblinking as if it will kill them if they miss a moment.

“We took a cab here, senpai.”

“Good.” Tomo moves the bottles of beer away from Kazuya just in case. “We’ll leave first in a bit.”

“But Piiii… gimme.” The drunk man in his arms suddenly comes alive and tries to snatch a bottle.

But Tomo is faster.

“No, Kazuya. You have had enough tonight.” He tucks a loose hair behind the other’s ear, effectively stopping the other from another snatching attempt. “You’re so red already. What am I going to do with you?”

“Senpai.” Nakajima and Hirano are both grinning when Tomo looks up and sees them staring at him and the drunk guy in his arms.

He glares at the two, but he doesn’t say a word. 

_ They  _ do act like a married couple. 

***

Falling can be slow, or fast, depending on a person's ability to clearly hear the knocks of the one who wants to open his heart.

The truth is, he doesn't know how he exactly falls. All he knows is that _it_ doesn't even need words. 

He just feels it. He hits the bottom ground hard, his heart breaking into several tiny pieces. But instead of them remaining as lifeless shards of a once whole piece - they dance with the wind, making their way inside the soul of another.

And he just floats along, allowing himself to be carried away with the fragile pieces.

\---

Kazuya answers on the third ring.

“Pi! Hi!”

Tomo wonders how hopeless he really is. Just hearing his name uttered by Kazuya makes him smile. It’s a good thing he’s at home, specifically in his studio, away from prying eyes. Rina has been noticing...  _ things _ and takes every chance to tease him.

“Hi, Kazu-chan. Are you busy? I need a moment.”

“Nah. Speak away, Pi. I'm perfecting my cream croquettes. I can't seem to get it right. I need it for my j-web entry.”

Tomo can just imagine the younger man in his baggy sweatshirt and lounge pants, Kazuya’s usual home attire, looking frustrated at the fried food in front of him. 

“Maybe I can come over to taste-test.” 

_ Okay, shit,Yamashita. Where did that come from?  _

There is total silence on the other side of the line that Tomo suddenly wonders if he should take his words back. He always intrudes on Kazuya. Maybe the younger man is tired of answering his door for him every time he impulsively visits.

“You know what, that’s actually a good idea. Maybe if you have time, you can pass by.”

_ Or not.  _ Tomo’s heartbeat accelerates faster than a bullet train at the answer he receives. He wants to hit himself.

“I will come over,” he responds without preamble. “I’ll bring wine, and tell you in person what I want to talk to you about."

“Okay. I'll see you, Pi.”

Kazuya's voice sounds pleasant.

Tomo breathes.

\---

“EH?! Appear in your Instagram Live?” Kazuya almost drops his wine glass. 

Tomo nods while carefully studying the younger man’s expression. He’s actually more excited than Takki, who suggested it, but he cannot show Kazuya that. 

“But… but...”

“It's not difficult, Kazu-chan,” Tomo interferes before the younger man starts overthinking. “I keep getting messages and comments, requesting for you.”

“But… is that… I mean…  _ really? _ ”

Kazuya still sounds hesitant and Tomo understands why. He is arguably KAT-TUN’s most popular member, but for some reason, he also seems to have the most number of critics. Every single thing the younger man does always earns him a lot of unsolicited comments, and the bad ones hit him hard.

“I promise it will be okay,” Tomo adds.  _ I will not let anyone hurt you.  _

Kazuya smiles but doesn't respond. This time, Tomo allows him to think as he continues to eat Kazuya's crab croquettes, which turned out to be quite tasty.

“I’m an Instagram baby.”

Tomo tries not to smile. Kazuya  _ is  _ thinking about it. “No, you’re not. You have a secret account you’re using to stalk the hashtags related to you.”

A faint tint appears on the younger man’s cheek. “Pi, you’re amused at this.”

Yes, he is. “No, I am not.” He turns towards Kazuya, giving him his signature poker face. When Kazuya giggles, he knows he wins.

“Fine. Just… ease me into it.”

Tomo doesn’t know what comes over him because he leans in until he’s an inch away from Kazuya’s face, lifting a hand to caress the younger man’s cheek.

“How  _ slow  _ do you want me to ease you into  _ it _ ?”

Tomo probably has only himself to blame with what happens next. He sometimes forgets that this is Kamenashi Kazuya, dubbed as Johnny’s Sex Symbol for a whole lot of reasons. No one can provoke him without suffering the consequences.

Kazuya crosses the short distance between their lips and kisses him.

It’s nothing... sensual, or something similar to that. It’s just a brief meeting of two lips. A peck. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Their senpais and kouhais had done it for the sake of fan service. He shouldn’t be panicking. His heart shouldn’t be beating this fast as if he’s competing in a triathlon. 

And most of all, he shouldn’t be enjoying the softness of those lips against his. NO. This is Kazu-chan. This is Kame. This is his--

Kazuya removes his mouth from Tomo’s. He is grinning  _ and  _ blushing. 

“Sorry. I couldn’t resist.”

Tomo cannot explain the surge of anger that envelops his entirety at such a simple statement. 

Kazuya sounds… happy.  _ Unaffected.  _ Casual. It feels like a joke to the young man. A  _ game.  _ And it’s unfair because that simple gesture is doing things to him he cannot afford to define. 

Tomo gives Kazuya a tight smile and moves away from him. He doesn’t see the younger one’s own smile drop at the action. 

He stands from his seat. Kazuya’s frown deepens.

“Pi?”

“The meal is good, Kamenashi.”

_ Kamenashi.  _ He only calls Kazuya that in interviews. He hasn’t uttered that word outside their jobs for a long time. 

“Pi...” Kazuya sounds hesitant. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It was careless of me. I’m sorry. Let’s just forget that happened.”

_ Of course. _

“Of course, Kazu-chan,” Tomo replies with an obvious fake smile that Kazuya visibly flinches. “I’ll see you around.”

“Pi...”

“I’ll inform management you’re a go for the Instagram Live. I’ll have my manager call you. I’ll see you soon.” He turns to leave.

“Yamashita.”

It hurts. But who is he to complain? “Hmm?”

“We’re okay… right?”

Tomo curtly nods before leaving Kazuya alone.

_ Yes,  _ they are okay.  _ No,  _ he is  _ NOT _ okay. 

Kazuya’s calls and texts are not answered that night. 

And perhaps during the next couple of days.

***

He is a man of caution.

His steps are calculated. His destinations are clear. His goals are set. His strategies are always in place. 

He has long since learned not to gamble with fate, forcing him to proceed with caution in every decision and action he makes. 

He hates getting caught off-guard. He hates the feeling of not knowing what to do. He hates being defenseless.

He hates  _ this _ . He hates that he doesn't understand why he feels this way. He hates that his anger refuses to dissipate, consuming him so much it's painful to breathe.

He hates that he can't hate  _ him.  _

Things will be so much simpler if he can.

\---

_ 5 missed calls, 20 messages.  _

All coming from one person. Kamenashi Kazuya doesn't do anything half-assed - one of the laudable traits Tomo admires in him. 

He grew up with the young man, learned how he was professionally and personally. And while they weren’t close initially, he couldn’t help but admire these qualities Kazuya possessed. 

It’s funny that there are times he still cringes whenever he remembers that he was one of those who whispered behind Kazuya's back - how he was Johnny’s favorite and how the old man always favored him that it’s unfair. It was only when he started working with him for Nobuta that he realized Kazuya never had it easy. Perhaps, he even had it worse. 

The consequences of being Johnny’s _favorite_ were grave \- Kamenashi Kazuya couldn’t say no. _Could never say no._ At all.

Tomo had witnessed how debuting with him in a separate unit broke the younger man. His group had  _ hated _ him for a while there (which, if you ask him, he would have felt too given the unfairness of the situation), calling him names straight to his face. He was able to act in front of the camera and do the things he had needed to do. But underneath it all, his mental and physical health had suffered greatly. 

Tomo remembers forcing the young man to eat on set and covering for him whenever he slept because Kazuya was so thin, so frail, and so sleepless (2 hours a day was no joke). How many times did he need to bring the boy back to his apartment just because he could barely move after filming? How many times did he offer his shoulder for Kazuya to cry on because his group had stopped talking to him? 

Tomo had confronted Jin about it when he couldn’t stand seeing Kazuya in such a pathetic state anymore. He gave his best friend a piece of his mind, showed him how bad Kazuya was doing, and explained why it wasn’t really  _ Kamenashi’s _ fault (which he knew  _ Jin  _ knew). 

His best friend was quiet all throughout Tomo's angry rants, but the latter thought at least he did something for his new friend. And with the way Kazuya smiled the next morning, he knew his words had gotten through to Jin. Everything was well.

Tomo stares at his phone one more time before pocketing it. He’ll deal with it later. He’ll go to the jimusho early for another meeting. He can just lock his dressing room and stay there until it’s time to mingle, just in case Kazuya is still there. He doesn’t know the younger man’s schedule, but he knows he’s busy with KAT-TUN things.

Snatching his car keys and his jacket, he gets out of his apartment and almost runs towards the elevator, barely glancing at the door of the apartment next door. 

Only to see a shocked Kazuya there, waiting patiently for the elevator while looking immaculately beautiful in a red leather jacket and ripped jeans.

Kazuya recovers and offers him a hesitant smile. 

“Hey, Pi.”

\---

Tomo’s heart stops, preventing him from returning the soft greeting with words. He simply nods back, trying his very best to smile in the process.

Kazuya opens his mouth as if he is about to say something else, but closes it immediately. He looks unsure, hesitant. Kamenashi Kazuya is never one to back down from anything - except when he feels like he will lose something huge in the process. 

The soft ding of the elevator saves them from further conversation. The younger man doesn’t hesitate and steps inside the lift. Tomo follows quietly, his footsteps heavy. 

There is nothing but tense silence inside the four walls. It must have been the longest, most uncomfortable ride to the basement Tomo has ever taken. Not one of them speaks, as if afraid that it might trigger a topic that they are both avoiding.

It’s Tomo who says goodbye first when they reach their own cars, which, as usual, are parked beside each other.

“See you, Kazuya,” he says lightly, opening the door to the driver’s seat. But before he gets in, he hears Kazuya’s hesitant voice.

“Pi?”

“Hmm?” He looks up.

“Can we talk?” Kazuya is biting his lower lip, telling Tomo how nervous he is. “I mean… not now. When... when you have the time.”

_ Goodness, why does he always want to talk? _

“Oh. Sure.” Tomo’s voice sounds so confident he’s unsure whether it really belongs to him. “I’ll message you when we can talk. I’m just a bit busy lately.” 

Kazuya exhales. “Okay. I’ll… wait for your message. I’ll see you around, I guess.” He sounds hopeful.

Ignoring the ache he feels, Tomo gives the younger man a small salute before getting inside his car. He zooms away, his eyes briefly glancing at the side mirror just before the basement gate closes. 

Kazuya is still standing there.

Tomo refuses to listen to the stupid beating organ inside his chest that keeps telling him to go back. They are, after all, both going to the jimusho. It just makes sense that one of them rides with the other. It also makes  _ more _ sense because they often do that.

_ This _ is a coward’s way out, but he doesn’t care. Kazuya is breaking all his barriers without effort whenever they are in close proximity. He cannot think properly without these walls protecting him from the overwhelming feelings the younger man brings with him. The short time they spend inside the elevator is already making him feel dizzy. 

He needs to breathe, and he will  _ breathe  _ now. 

Tomo takes the longer route - driving twice the original distance it takes for him to get to the agency. 

“You’re late.” His manager is glaring at him and is starting to tell him the importance of being on time in his appointments. Tomo only pretends to listen. He is rarely late, and usually with valid excuses.  _ This  _ is a valid excuse. His mind is on Kazuya, who is probably already having a meeting in one of the rooms.

Tomo is not sure what exactly it is he is running away from. 

All he knows is that this doesn’t feel right anymore.

***

Everyone has weaknesses that eat them up inside wherever life takes them on a wrong turn. But he has learned to maneuver his life alongside his own weaknesses.

He expertly deals with all the problems thrown towards him, knowing that the strategies he developed as he grew up would help him break any barrier that comes his way. 

He has prepared himself well against life’s curve balls.

But nothing has prepared him against Kamenashi Kazuya.

And the role that he will play in his life.

Yamashita Tomohisa, for the first time, is left defenseless.

\---

“So how do you do this?”

Yamashita Tomohisa is currently cursing all the gods he can think of. The older man is currently in the same room to brief Kazuya about the topics they will talk about. He is hesitant to be here for the same reason - everything this man does looks endearing to him, damn it. 

“Okay...but you’ll be there, right? Just in case.” Kazuya addresses one of the staff, still looking clueless after his Instagram Live set is finished. He will be staying in this room - the room next to where Tomo will be staying. “Rrrrright?”

_ Fuck, Kamenashi. You don’t need to act cute.  _

“Pi?” Kazuya turns towards him looking hesitant. “You said I just need to watch your live and send a request to join, right?”

Tomo swallows and nods. “That’s right.”

“Okay.” Kazuya looks a bit down, or more like… doubtful. He has his huge share of online trolls, and him messing up during Tomo’s live will mean more trolls.

_ Fuck this shit,  _ Tomo thinks and relents, finally going to the younger man to give him a run through of what he needs to do. He sits beside him at the long sofa that has seen better years.

“Here, Kame.” He calls him  _ Kame  _ in front of everyone else. He opens his private Instagram. “Let’s do a test live, all right? You don’t have to worry. This is easy. Everything will be set up for you. Your private IG is on, yes?”

Kazuya nods and bites his lips.

“Good. I’ll go live and then you start viewing it. A notification that says something like ‘ _ request to join’  _ will pop out. Click that,” Tomo says. “Okay. Here you go. I’m live now, Kame.”

Kazuya opens his Insta and clicks on Tomo’s icon, allowing him to view the young man. He looks so serious Tomo feels the urge to wrap his arms around him and tell him this is not a big deal. Well, it will be if they mess up and do something stupid during the live. But if it’s something about Kazuya messing up the live because he’s an IG noob, the fans will forgive them and will even find it cute.

“Oh! There you go. I see you!” Kazuya suddenly giggles, making Tomo smile without meaning to. The younger one is finally watching his face. “Where’s the notification about joining? Oh… oh… there!” He pushes the button.

Tomo accepts the request and soon, they are on a split screen. Kazuya looks delighted, like a child finally granted permission to eat his ice cream.

“See? That’s easy, Kazu-chan,” he whispers, daring to call him by his first name. He turns his head to the side to meet Kazuya’s eyes. “You’ll be fine.”

Kazuya nods, his face blossoming with a sweet smile he only shows to Tomo. “Thank you, Pi.”

He nods with a smile just before his manager tells him he needs to get ready in the next room. “I’ll be right there, Abe-san.” His manager nods and leaves the room along with some members of the staff.

Tomo turns towards Kazuya. “Good luck, Kazu-chan. Take a deep breath and everything will be okay.” And before he can stop himself, he leans in to place a short kiss on Kazuya’s head, surprising the young man. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Pi...”

Tomo stands up and leaves the room. For some reason, he gets satisfaction in catching Kazuya off-guard with his impulsive gestures.

He doesn’t look back.

\---

Tomo supposes it’s his fault.

It started safely, with him even calling Kazuya  _ brother _ at the beginning of the live. Kazuya seemed okay too. His idol face was on. No one could crack Kamenashi Kazuya’s idol face whenever he’s wearing it.  _ No one. _

It was Tomo who began to crack when Kazuya called himself an Insta baby. All Tomo could think about after that remark was:  _ you’re my baby. _

God, it sounded so cheesy, so cringey, so un-Tomo-ish, that he wanted to hit himself until he bled dry. But it was really the first thought that came to his mind when Kazuya smiled and said the words. That shouldn't be his fault!

Then it just got worse from there. 

Tomo couldn’t stop staring. He forgot that it was his own Instagram Live. That Kazuya was just the guest. And that he needs to speak more. That he needs to control the flow of the live.

Just because he couldn’t stop looking. 

Every time Kazuya spoke, he listened. Whenever Kazuya made a face, he found himself imitating it. Whenever Kazuya laughed, he was mesmerized. Whenever Kazuya started with his antics, he couldn’t help but respond. Whenever Kazuya moved his face closer to the screen, he couldn’t help but follow.

But the last straw was, when Kazuya read a hurtful remark. His friend probably didn’t realize it before it was too late.

Tomo found himself frowning upon hearing it, his fists clenching. Kazuya shrugged the remark off and apologized for being such a dork all while looking unaffected. The younger man, in fact, was back to his dorky self just a few seconds after.

Unlike Tomo. He  _ was  _ affected. He even wanted to stop the live. He wanted to go to the younger man’s room to check if he really was okay. Everyone would think he might be overreacting, but no one knew Kazuya as much as he did. The younger man could,  _ would _ endure anything whenever he’s in his idol mode. But once that mask came out, his vulnerable side would be revealed. 

Yes, Kazuya was used to harsh remarks. He knew how to handle them well at this point. Still, this was a first for him. This was his first mainstream social media appearance. This was not a good time to receive such a harsh remark. 

He  _ was _ in Tomo’s IG live as a guest. He was being watched by thousands of people. Then he received such a comment from one of Tomo’s viewers, embarrassing him in front of the other viewers. 

Tomo promised to protect him. Yet he was unable to do much because it’s against the rules to be rude to a fan. 

Though he’d probably get scolded for that short…  _ outburst.  _ For a second there, he couldn’t help but..  _ react.  _ It’s Kazuya. He felt automatically triggered, most especially when he saw the slight frown on the younger one’s face.

Tomo was  _ almost _ quiet the rest of the Instagram live while Kazuya continued to be the energetic idol that he was. He was busy reading comments, trying to spot harsh ones that Kazuya might read. This time, he was ready to  _ accidentally  _ end the live if such a thing would happen again. 

After it was finished, Tomo knew it was too late for him. His brain had finally caught up with the messages his heart had been trying to send him for the longest time.

It was difficult to process.

“Are you all right, Yamashita-san?” his manager’s voice interferes with the flow of his thoughts, bringing him back to the present. He’s still in the room where he had the live, talking to his manager about his next schedule. 

“I am, Abe-san. Just a little tired. But I will go home after this, make sure I will rest. Please don’t worry about me.” He thanks his manager and confirms he knows the flow of his schedule before bidding the older man a good night. 

“Ah, Yamashita-san?” 

“ _ Hai? _ ”

“Kamenashi-san says you should wait for him. He’s just on a short meeting with Wakaba-san. He’ll come to you once he’s done.” He bows at Tomo and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

It takes him a couple of seconds.

Tomo panics. 

\---

_ I’m sorry, Kazuya. There is an urgent matter I need to attend to. We can talk next time.  _

He hits send and pushes the door leading to the parking lot.

But Kazuya is already there, right next to the exit sign. He’s leaning casually against the wall when Tomo arrives, surprising the older man.

“I know you’ll do this,” Kazuya tonelessly remarks, breaking the silence between them. He waves his phone in the air. “Urgent matter, huh? Really.” In a couple of strides he is in front of Tomo. “Not this time, Yamashita.”

He wraps his hands around the older man’s wrist and drags him to his car without another word. Surprising even himself, Tomo allows him without an ounce of protest.

“Get in,” Kazuya says after he unlocks his car, his eyes not leaving the silent man beside him. “You owe me this, Yamashita. Get. In.” 

Tomo silently gets in. Kazuya makes sure his seatbelt is on before he walks to the driver’s side and gets in himself.

“I’m driving us both back to the apartment,” Kazuya says as he starts the engine. “You and I will talk, and you will NOT get out of this, Yamashita.”

Tomo feels like he has no choice so he doesn’t say anything. 

Not this time, just like what the younger man said. 

Not when Kazuya looks like he’s ready to move hell just to talk to him.

\---

“I don’t care if you keep quiet the whole ride,” Kazuya says from the driver’s seat, his eyes firmly on the road. He looks deadly serious. “But you will talk later.”

Silence.

“Jin and I broke up because of his silence,” Kazuya adds quietly. “And because I did nothing to address that silence. I let him be. I allowed him to drown in his thoughts until it was too late to rescue him from them.”

Tomo knows he should say something, but he cannot think of anything to respond to that. No one exactly knows how Akame broke up. The close friends of the ex-couple know the gist behind it, but no one knows the details. Jin and Kazuya refuse to talk about it until now. They’re still good friends and that’s what matters most, they always say when asked. 

“I refuse to lose you because I didn’t do anything about this silence,” the younger man adds, stopping Tomo’s thoughts. “So please talk later. I need to know  _ why,  _ Pi.”

Tomo sees Kazuya glance at him. 

He nods.

And breathes.

Fine. They will talk.

***

He lets go.

He crashes head on into a solid wall that breaks him into tiny fragile pieces that easily dissipate along with the hazy fog, revealing the truth behind the walls of uncertainty he had built around himself.

And he knows.

There is no way he can be saved.

\---

“What’s the matter, Pi?” Kazuya blurts out as they enter his apartment. He shuts the door behind him and walks past Tomohisa to remove his shoes, carefully putting them on the tall shoe rack at the genkan. He leans against the wall and waits for Tomo’s response.

The younger man looks distraught, frustrated, and very much confused as he stares at Tomo, who is simply watching him silently from the door, afraid to take one more step inside. “Pi?”

Tomo shakes his head. That’s all his coward self can do. 

Kazuya laughs, the bitterness of his feelings showing at every sound that comes out of his mouth. 

“Nothing. You say it’s nothing. But you’ve been treating me like a stranger, Tomohisa,” he says. “Am I? Am I a stranger to you?”

_ No, no, you’re not.  _ Tomo remains unmoving.

“You’re quiet again,” Kazuya says sadly. “I don’t deserve this silence. I know I don’t.”

_ No, you don’t. _

“Was it the kiss?” the younger man asks, sounding hesitant. “I didn’t… I didn’t think much when I did that. I just… you looked so… I felt like you wanted to prove something.” 

_ Yes, I wanted to prove something. But not to you. To me. _

“A part of me wanted to challenge that and…” Kazuya suddenly looks so tired. “I got carried away. And if it’s because of that… I’m so sorry.”

_ No, it isn’t because of that.  _ Tomo wants to tell him it’s more than that. 

That just an hour ago, he almost ended a company-planned Instagram live just because of a silly fan comment directed to Kazuya. He felt angry. He felt protective. He felt helpless.

That for the past few weeks, all he could ever think of is Kazuya. Kazuya’s smile, Kazuya’s laugh, Kazuya’s derp faces, Kazuya’s messages - everything Kazuya.

That for the longest time, he has been keeping these feelings inside him, hiding from them whenever they chase him just because he doesn’t know what to make of them. 

That he knows what it means, what all of this means, but he cannot admit it out loud because admitting it means he needs to deal with it, and he doesn’t know how to.

And that now, all Tomo can think of is assuring the young man that he’s wrong in all his assumptions yet he cannot.

“You can’t be homophobic, Pi,” Kazuya continues, not having any idea about the chaos that’s happening inside Tomo’s mind. “We work at Johnny’s. Everyone just acts gay for each other. Some might not even be acting at all. Jin is even your best friend, for goodness sake.”

“Kazuya, stop.”

The young man won’t. Kamenashi Kazuya is not one to shut up or back out from something that means a lot to him.

“How can I stop? Pi, we need to end this…  _ tension _ between us. I can’t live with this. It’s… weird. It’s not normal. It’s confusing. It’s… heavy on the chest. It even wants me to hit people at times. It’s… do you know people keep asking me where you are and I can’t even say where? That’s not me! I know where you are most of the time! And you know what that made me feel huh? Huh?”

_ No. _

“That we stopped talking.” This time, Kazuya answers himself. “If that stupid kiss is the reason for all of this, then I wish I can take that back.”

“No.”

“What no?” Kazuya asks with a bitter chuckle. “You’re not even talking properly to me right now, I--”

In just a second, Tomo is in front of him, pushing him against his wall. He traps Kazuya with his arms, allowing him very little chance of escaping. 

“Pi, what--” Kazuya glares at him and tries to push him. “Get away from me. This is uncomfortable.” 

Tomo will not budge. Years of muscle training are currently helping him. Though he’s pretty sure that Kazuya can challenge him any time he wants to. He just doesn’t seem to be putting up much of a fight.

“I said move.”

“No. I will not move.”

It has always been a battle of wits between them. A battle of pride. A battle of dominance. 

“I am going to punch you in the face, Yamashita. MOVE.”

“NO.”

Kazuya looks at him dully. “What are you trying to achieve here?” he asks calmly, but Tomo can see the hint of nervousness in his eyes. 

The younger man is a brilliant actor whose technique lies on his ability to speak through his eyes, but they don’t work on him. Not on Tomo. Not on someone he usually bares his soul to. 

“I don’t know,” Tomo admits as Kazuya looks at him skeptically. He shakes his head and smiles at him. “I really don’t know.” It is not a lie. He really doesn’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing. He has an idea, but the grounds surrounding it are still so convoluted he cannot put them into words.

So he just acts with his instinct, which he is pretty sure is an action triggered by the thoughts in his mind. 

“Try harder.” Kazuya sounds so impatient he feels like the younger one will soon combust and just literally punch him.

Tomo shakes his head again. “I really don’t know., Kazuya. It’s just that you won’t shut up. You keep saying things that sound wrong to me. I feel like I have to stop you.”

“What did I say that sounds so wrong to you?”

“Kamenashi,” his face is now a breath away from Kazuya’s. “There were a lot of things you said that sounded wrong. Don’t you dare say those words.”

“What words?”

This time, Tomo smirks.

“Well?”

_ You’ll regret this.  _ His mind blatantly issues a warning, but Tomo is not in the mood to listen to it. This is not the right time.

“I still don’t know,” Tomo says. “But.. I’m hoping to find out.”

Kazuya looks at him for a few painful moments, before Tomo sees the change in the younger man’s eyes. His words seem to have ignited a switch inside the younger man.

“Kazuya?” he asks carefully.

“Fuck you.”

And he’s right. He pissed of the younger man.

Kazuya grabs him, engaging him in another heated kiss, his lips and tongue working together to earn him his first loud moan from the older man.

_ God, he kisses so good,  _ Tomo thinks, the sensation of being kissed by Kazuya is a feeling he will never forget soon. Not when the younger man kisses like how he works - he devotes his soul and his heart into the action, making it feel like a religious experience for Tomo. This time, Kazuya allows him to invade his mouth, making him taste for the first time the forbidden fruit he has denied himself.

But Tomo is not one to back out on this. Never. He returns the kiss with another burning one of his own, reveling at the taste that is just Kazuya. He’s not sweet, no, but he tastes every bit as the man that he is. 

His kisses get more aggressive, his touches more demanding. While Kazuya doesn’t fully yield, he allows Tomo to explore. As if he knows the older man needs a certain validation that only he can provide.

“Pi,” Kazuya says, when Tomo starts peppering his neck with wet, burning kisses. “Pi, please... please...”

The younger man doesn’t need to plead twice.

Tomo leans in to kiss him again. And with all his strength, he lifts Kazuya in his arms. The younger man’s legs automatically wrap around his waist, his mouth not leaving Tomo’s.

Somewhere at the back of his mind, he hears clear words of warning:  _ You’ll regret this.  _

Oh he knows he will. He knows he will regret this. He did not think of this. This is against the rules he made for himself.

Kazuya grinds against him, creating a delicious friction that makes Tomo shiver.

_ Fuck. _

Oh yes-- _ he is going to hell _ . 

But he might as well go to hell with this man.

So they can burn together.

\---

_ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _

Kazuya feels so good against him.

Tomo gives in to the feeling of being possessed by the younger man, his logical thoughts temporarily set aside to make way for the emotions he has buried into the deepest pits of his heart. 

_ God. Fuck, Kamenashi. _

Tomo wants this. Tomo needs this. To experience how it feels to be one with someone he had longed for in a long time.

He lets go. Every raw desire he feels for the younger man is unleashed with every touch, bringing out the beast that he kept away for so long.

Kazuya takes it all in, takes  _ him  _ all in. 

The younger man meets his desire with his own. 

He screams Tomo’s name. He whispers his name. Until their bodies melt into one vengeful flesh of suppressed desires. Every moan, every pound, every penetration is like a delicious balm applied to an aching wound that suddenly stopped bleeding, making way for the start of healing. 

“Let go, let go,” he keeps saying as he watches the younger man move like a possessed animal above him, riding him to oblivion, rocking himself to the peak of pleasure.

_ I love you, I love you, I love you.  _

Tomo says it, he screams it, and wonders if the man above him can hear the longing bursting out from inside his chest.

Kazuya’s moans are getting louder, his movements getting more desperate. Tomo urges him, meets his movement with his own vigorous thrusts.

_ Be mine, be mine, be mine. _

Tomo feels him let go.

And he lets go too.

\---

_ Is this the end? Is this enough? Will it finally go away after this? _

His eyes trail on the sleeping figure beside him. Kazuya looks so peaceful in his sleep. There’s a small smile playing on his mouth along with adorable soft snores.

Tomo can’t resist and leans in to peck those tempting lips. Kazuya stirs, but doesn’t wake up.

_ No.  _

He doesn’t think so.

He sighs and wraps an arm around the other man, finally allowing himself to surrender to the call of contentment.

\---

Kazuya wakes up alone.

There is no trace of Tomo anywhere, perhaps just the smell of the pillow. It smells so much like the older man - musky, spicy, and fresh. 

And him.  _ He  _ smells like Tomo, being the lone evidence of their surprisingly passionate night.

_ If I can even call it a passionate night,  _ he thinks with fond bitterness. 

It  _ was  _ a special night. He didn’t think it would end up the way it did last night, but Kazuya enjoyed it _. Immensely _ . 

For months, Kazuya knew what he felt for Tomo and he didn’t even deny it. He’s too old for a game of hide and seek. But he also knew that the man was straight, and that he couldn’t just reveal it to him and shatter his straight world. 

So Kazuya doesn’t act on it. It is easy for him to let go of his feelings just a little every time they have a shoot together, but that’s it. He is able to suppress it, not for his sake, but for Tomo’s. It bleeds through their photos, their videos. He knows the fans can see how fondly he looks at the older man or how affected he is with everything that Tomo does.

It never occurs to him that perhaps, the man could have some bisexual cells in him.

_ Until last night _ . He blushes as visions of what happened last night replay on his head. He suddenly feels hot and shy and perhaps still a little skeptical. But it happened. It really happened. And they were both willing participants. 

Kazuya laughs. Loudly. And for quite a few minutes until tears fill his eyes.

“Oh God, I look insane,” he says after his laughter subsides. Kazuya stands up from the bed, naked and goes straight to the kitchen. He needs a cup of coffee before he can function properly. 

He picks up his phone and _ tries  _ to call Tomo even though he knows the man won’t pick up. Then he sends a string of messages just for the heck of it.

He doesn’t get a response. 

Kazuya smiles and finally places his phone down. He expects this. No unnecessary drama. Just silence. 

He’s used to silence. People he used to love often went silent on him. Perhaps, it was their way of dealing with his energy because he could be too much at times. 

But some of them used silence as a prelude to goodbye. They went silent on him before they left him. 

Kazuya inhales his coffee, allowing himself to instantly relax at the smell of caffeine.

It’s just unfortunate that until now, he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Because the truth is, silence is more complicated than all the noise. It’s a plethora of every single unnamed emotion. 

Yamashita Tomohisa is so good with silence.

And it’s hurting him.

***

Running away is his strongest suit.

He always flees - the initial impact of feelings is something his overthinking brain couldn’t handle. He needs to breathe, he needs to reevaluate, he needs to feel everything he needs to feel without anyone trying to interfere with what’s going on inside him.

_ He needs freedom, even if it’s temporary. _

And then he will come back. 

While he often runs away, it also isn’t his habit to leave things unanswered, most especially those that he runs away from. Because these things that he runs away from - they matter the most to him. 

Kamenashi Kazuya belongs in this category. 

\---

Tomo is not counting the days anymore. 

The world stopped because of the virus while his world stopped because of his stupidity.

He knows he fucked up. He’s been hiding for days in his mother and sister’s home, only answering messages and calls from his manager. Anything he needs to know about his job will reach him through his manager. He doesn’t need to answer anyone else. 

And that is his routine these past few days. He broods at home, he gets a call for a photoshoot, he leaves home and does his job, then goes back home to brood.

Fuck, he’s a drama king all right. It’s no one’s fault but his own.

_ Why did you leave? _

Even he cannot answer that.

He woke up feeling happy, the first for a long while. He even spent half an hour staring at Kazuya’s sleeping face because the man was just too irresistibly beautiful. Anyone who hadn’t seen Kazuya’s face in person would never experience how to have their breaths taken away. The man was just too ethereally pretty in real life. Videos and photos just never did him justice. 

Then Kazuya stirred and whispered his name. And Tomo just found himself uttering the words without thinking:

_ I love you. _

And that’s when he panicked. Three words. It was just three words. But it hit him with an onslaught of suppressed feelings that he felt like drowning.

So he left. He had to leave. Before it overwhelmed him. 

Perhaps he was afraid of Kazuya’s reaction. Perhaps he was afraid of what his reaction was going to be when he saw the younger man’s reaction. Perhaps he just didn’t know what to say. 

God, he still doesn't know what to do.

“You’re really stupid, oniisan.” Rina keeps telling him. “This will be a whole lot easier if you just know how to sort through your feelings and  _ name  _ them.”

Perhaps she’s right.

His mom remains quiet, but she always looks at him as if she’s screaming,  _ I didn’t raise you two alone to be cowards. Go man up and get your man. _

Perhaps his mom knows. Moms have the superpowers to know everything that is happening to their children. That, and because even when he’s far from the other man, he keeps talking about him. 

“You’re hopeless, son,” his mom says with a smile one time when he keeps saying he misses Kazuya’s super spicy, cheesy curry, which the younger man had perfected just for him.

Perhaps he really is hopeless. They all make it sound like it’s easy, but why does he feel like it’s the hardest thing in the world?

He is in love with Kazuya and he isn’t denying that, but does that make it easier?

Of course not. Because after admitting something, there goes the thoughts about what will happen - what can go wrong? Will it even go right? How about the people involved?

God, he hates overthinking.

A call disturbs the flow of his chaotic thoughts. When he sees who it’s from, he doesn’t pick it up. Jin can bother him another day. 

It stops ringing after 10 calls, but he receives a message. Tomo knows Jin means business whenever he is forced to send a message. Jin hates messaging because of his grammar problems. He prefers calls so people will not have evidence of his lack of… grammar skills.

Pi signs and opens the message. It's better to get it over with. What the hell does this moron want now?

_ Where the fuck are you? _

And he knows Jin knows.

_ Fuck. _

***

The future is often bleak for someone who does not know which path he needs to take.

He isn't searching for total clarity--God knows he needs the little bouts of uncertainty. 

Security calms him, keeps him steady, gives him a sense of too much comfort. But the little doubts make him feel, make him act, make him move. 

It makes him search for what he needs to know.

And he  _ needs _ to start somewhere. He can just learn things along the way.

That somewhere is the gray area where two opposing forces meet--the past and the present.

There are a lot of uncertainties with the present. Perhaps he needs to _visit the ghosts of the past_ to help him put things to perspective _._ Sometimes tying loose ends can clear foggy roads. 

Maybe, just maybe, he will be able to  _ finally  _ deal with the future he chooses.

And soon.

\---

Jin, Meisa, and Theia say goodbye to the beautiful man on the screen, with the little girl trying to plead to her parents to let her sing for Uncle Kame one more time. 

“No, baby,” Jin says in a sweet but determined tone. “It’s way past your bedtime. Mum will read you your favorite story, she promises.” He catches Meisa’s eyes, or more like glare, and Jin counts that as victory.

Theia gives one last cute pout, a futile attempt to change his father’s mind. But when Jin won’t budge and simply looks at her, she sighs dejectedly and waves another small goodbye to the man on the screen before she takes her mother's outstretched hands.

When Meisa and Theia are finally out of the room, Jin looks back to the screen, his expression instantly changing from friendly to serious.

“Kazu, you should get more sleep.” Jin frowns at the large eyebags on his friend’s face. Kazuya has been complaining about his insomnia these past few weeks and has been pestering Jin whenever he can't sleep.

“I can't find him, Jin,” Kazuya replies.

Jin sighs at the change in subject. “He’s not lost, that’s for sure.”

“Jin!”

He frowns. Whenever Kazuya uses the whiny tone, he finds himself still catering to his whims. “I’m just saying that he’ll appear soon. You know him. He leaves for a while and then comes back. He just needs time.”

“Time for what?” Kazuya sounds frustrated. But as Jin looks at his friend’s expression, he knows there is more to it than that. “I was the one who was…  _ overwhelmed _ . He should have at least… waited.”

“You love him.” Jin feels a familiar sharp sting that lasts for just a second before it fades away and transforms into something resembling acceptance, for himself, and happiness, for his two idiot friends. He has long since learned how to deal with  _ this.  _ He will love Kazuya forever, but he already found something else that needs his love more than this man, and that changed the game between them a long time ago -  _ his kids.  _ “Well?”

Kazuya shakes his head. 

“And what does that mean?”

Kazuya gives him a soft smile. “‘m sorry, Jin. It’s him who needs to hear what I have to say about this first.”

_ Of course.  _ And while Jin still gets the urge to throw a tantrum for not getting his way, he doesn’t. He grew up. His friends still cannot believe it at times, but he grew up. He had gone through a lot of things that forced him to let go of some childish ways. 

That, and he is a dad now. He has  _ brats  _ to take care and love now. He cannot be brattier than his kids. 

“Fine,” he finally says. “I won’t insist anymore. But I don’t have an answer for you either.”

There is a short pause, as if the younger man is pondering whether or not to believe him. But when Jin sees the nod, he knows his response is taken seriously.

“Just go and sleep, Kazu,” Jin says. “The moron will realize the error of his ways and finally show himself to you one of these days. Give him time. It's Pi. Unlike me, he doesn't fully run away. He just runs away,  _ for a while,  _ to sort things out for himself, then he will come back to confront them."

“I know… but I’m… I'm worried. With this virus thing going on…” 

Well, Kazuya is lying. And with the knowing look on Jin’s face, he realizes this as well. The young man isn’t really worried about their friend catching this virus. Tomohisa is one of the safest people in this pandemic simply because of his habits. He takes a bath thrice a day, washes his hands any chance he gets, and has alcohol spritz on his bag. The added pack of antibacterial wipes is Kazuya’s doing. He gifted Tomo a huge box for New Year.

“You just miss him.” There. Jin says it for both of them.

Kazuya doesn’t respond, but it's answer enough for Jin.

“Go to sleep, Kame,” he says, and Kazuya immediately gets the hint. Whenever Jin uses Kame, he means business. 

“It isn't exactly night time here though, Jin.”

“Oh.” Jin sometimes forgets Kazuya is in Japan while he’s in the U.S.

“Bakanishi.” 

“Oi!”

“But fine,” the younger one says with a small smile. “Just… let me know if he… contacts you in any way.”

“I will,” Jin nods. “Good night from my side of the world.”

Kazuya nods and gives him one small wave before ending the call, making Jin smile a little. Kazuya using apps for calls is still a source of amusement for him. 

Jin closes his laptop and stands up - he needs a smoke.

He snatches the pack of cigarettes off the coffee table, and finally joins the man waiting for him at the patio.

\---

Jin grins at the agitated face.

Yamashita Tomohisa welcomes him with a sharp glare only a best friend of more than a couple of decades has the right to give.

“You’re an asshole, Akanishi,” he says from the screen of his best friend's iPad.  _ Yes. iPad.  _ “Put it up properly. You look weird upside down.”

“I panicked!” Jin explains as he sits on the couch, propping up the gadget properly against the small vase on the table. “When I saw his name calling, I had to hide you!”

“He. Wouldn't. See. Me.” Tomo's voice is firm, but he isn't really angry. In fact, if this isn't about Kazuya, he would have laughed. It is such a  _ bakanishi  _ Jin thing to do.

“Well, he didn't. So stop complaining already,” Jin replies with a childlike smile, a gesture that irritates his best friend more. The older man pulls a stick out of the pack. “You should be grateful Theia didn't mention you.”

Tomo scoffs. “I should be grateful  _ you  _ didn’t mention me. Theia has a lot more brain cells than her father apparently.”

“Oi!”

Tomo laughs and stands up, making the screen of his own iPad wobble in Jin's view. 

“Where are you going? You'd better not pee. I don't want to see your dick, man.”

“Idiot,” Tomo says. “I'm joining you for a smoke. Virtually, of course.”

“Where are you, by the way?” Jin asks, eyes narrowing at the view that is revealed when his best friend finally settled down. “I mean I know you aren't home, but which house--”

“I'm at Mama and Rina’s.”

“Oh.” Jin looks thoughtful. “So Rina must have told him where you are. He's just too polite to bother your mom.”

The younger just shakes his head as he blows the smoke from his mouth, watching it curl in front of him as it mingles with the night air, which is still a bit cold despite the hint of the new season.

“No. Rina… wouldn’t. At least not… now. She…  _ knows _ things. She knows I need to be… I need to be alone for a while… and as far from… Kazuya as possible.”

“It's that obvious, huh?”

“Why did he call?” Tomo didn’t hear the conversation that ensued from his perch on the patio table, only catching bits and pieces of Theia’s loud rendition of Let It Go. 

“Why do you think he called?”

“Smart is not your strongest pursuit, Jin.”

Jin just laughs. “Being insensitive is not yours either, Pi. It’s Kazu. He doesn’t just call to exchange pleasantries.”

_ He was looking for you.  _ The words are left unsaid, but it’s there hanging in the virtual space between them, screaming a burden that challenges the comfort that should have been existing between two people familiar with each other.

“What did you tell him?” 

It’s difficult. For Tomo to speak to Jin about his best friend’s old flame. AkaKame  _ was _ real. Jin and Kazuya’s feelings for each other were the only ones genuine in their world full of lies. Tomo had witnessed these feelings bloom right in front of his eyes, until he and the rest of Jin’s friends got carried away by the strong current. They became a part of what they dubbed as  _ the secret _ . To keep their two friends happy. To protect them from the outside world that did nothing but judge every single thing they didn’t understand.

AkaKame was one of those.

“Nothing. I told him to get some sleep.” Jin is not lying. “He will not sleep, not unless you finally respond to his calls and text messages.”

_ I know,  _ Tomo wants to say. But how can he? He doesn’t know how to face these feelings. Or, to put it simply, he doesn’t want to know the consequences of what he had done. He’s a coward. So he hides and runs away, afraid of what his actions will do to him and Kazuya.

“Go back, Pi,” Jin says, puffing the last of his cigarette and placing it on the ashtray. “Go back  _ home.  _ I’m ending this call too. I’m sleepy.”

“As if. You’re going to call Ryo-chan after this and you two will gossip about me and Kazuya like the little girls that you are.”

Jin doesn’t take the bait. He looks serious.

“You're a bastard, Pi. Go back. I mean it.”

“I need time.”

“You’ve had enough of it. You’ve kept him waiting for long. What’s so hard about this, Yamashita?”

Tomo flinches at the implication of his best friend's statement. Jin always speaks harshly, his words hitting him harder than Jin's punches. Jin hits like a kid, which is why it’s always him and Ryo who receive the brunt of the physical abuse whenever they get into fights in clubs.

“You know why.”

Jin scoffs. “Because you’re both working at the jimusho? Bullshit. It has something to do with you. You’re not in denial. Not anymore. You actually admit it now - whatever it is that you feel for Kazuya. And  _ that’s _ what scares you. Because you  _ know  _ what you’ll want to do. You know what you  _ can  _ do for you and him.”

Jin hits a nerve. Jin rarely talks with sense unless it involves music and his kids. But when he does, the things he’s saying are always scarily accurate. 

“What, you’re trying to sound like a genius now?” 

“I’m not and you know it,” Jin replies. “Pi, I’ve known you for years. I know what’s bad and what’s good for you. This - prolonging this - is bad for you. It is bad for Kazuya too. You both overthink. Before it destroys you both, seal the deal already.”

“And if… sealing the deal is bad for us?”

“At least you tried.” Jin sighs. “Look, Pi. Sealing the deal is one of the things I didn't do right. I mean… I'm okay now. We're okay now. But sometimes I still feel that sting, knowing it could have been different if I knew how to treat Kazuya right.”

Tomo listens.

“Kazuya… he thought it's his fault because he wasn’t able to understand my silence. But… he’s wrong, Pi. I was silent because it was my... _ way out. _ I wanted a different life because working for… Johnny was… suffocating me.”

“Kazuya would never leave Johnny’s to come with me, and it’s not just because he was loyal to the agency. You know Kazuya. He knows many people are relying on him. KAT-TUN alone relied on him that time.”

Tomo finally gets where this is going.

“And you allowed it to happen because you knew that would solve your predicament of choosing between Kazuya and your need for freedom. Because through this, you could always say it was out of your control.”

Jin nods, a sad smile appearing on his face. “I didn't convince him. I didn't even fight him.”

“You're… a bastard, Jin,” Tomo replies. “If I am there, I have already punched you.”

“I know,” Jin says. “So don’t be like me, okay? Just... go home soon, yeah? I’ll leave you to think about it. I am ending this now. Let Ryo-chan and I gossip in peace. He’s waiting. You know he’s a bitch when he’s being kept out of the loop for so long.”

That finally gets Tomo to smile. 

“Fine. Just say bye bye to Meisa and the kids for me, okay?” he says. “I’ll call again soon. Tell Ryo-chan we’re still supposed to be  _ NOT okay,  _ so tell him not to mention my name in your Youtube channel.”

This time, it’s Jin who laughs. “I will. Now think about what I said and go back.”

Tomo nods. “I'll think about it.”

“Good. I'd better go now.  _ Boo boo  _ will soon look for me.”

Boo boo is Jin's son. He has a proper name, but Tomo insists on calling him Boo boo.

“All right. I hope to see you and everyone soon. You all take care there.”

“Pi?”

“Yes?”

“He’s your problem now,” Jin says quietly. “Don’t make it complicated.”

“Is he?”

“Yes. Yours.”

Tomo exhales.

Jin smiles at his best friend and ends the call.

***

It’s not a matter of fate, but a matter of choice.

Tomo chooses to fall.

He must deal with the consequences of falling in love with one Kamenashi Kazuya.

\---

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Tomo wants to smile at the hostile greeting, but he maintains the stoic face he is so good at. He follows Kazuya inside his apartment, but he doesn’t move away from the door. It reminds him of a…  _ similar  _ incident, but Tomo will make sure it will not end the same way this time. 

“Can we talk?”

Kazuya turns towards him, his eyes narrowed into slits. He stubbornly leans against the same damn wall that triggered everything. “What do we need to talk about?”

Tomo knows the other is angry. He needs to take this slow. He leans against the door and crosses his arms casually. “You know what we need to talk about.‘

Kazuya scoffs. “Oh. So after running away for days, you decide you want to suddenly talk, huh?”

“Uh-huh,” Tomo says, nodding. “Can you listen to me first? I will not leave this place until you listen to me.” Then he suddenly notices the silence. “Where are your dogs?” 

Kazuya’s gaze becomes colder. “You just noticed it now when you couldn’t see them last time?”

Okay. He should be ashamed. Things happened so fast last time that he didn’t even notice Kazuya’s dogs weren’t around. “Erm.. sorry.”

“Whatever. They've been with my parents since a few weeks ago. I’ll pick them up this weekend.”

“Can I come?”

If it’s more possible, Kazuya’s eyes become narrower. “And why will you do that?”

_ Okay, Tomohisa, This is it.  _ He knows they’re too old for games. And after what he did, going around in circles will not work on this man. He needs to be direct. He needs to lead. He needs to show Kazuya that he is here because he has a very clear agenda.

“I want to see your parents,” Tomo replies. “It’s been so long since I have seen them. Plus, don’t you think they’ll officially want to meet your… boyfriend?”

A pause. 

Okay.  _ It’s a bit fast, Tomohisa.  _ But he maintains his stance. He’s almost sure Jin has done a lot of stupider things than this. Not that he’s comparing himself to Jin. That’s unfair to them both. But he needs to justify his stupidity with more stupidity. And who else is a better candidate than his adorably stupid best friend?

“Boyfriend.” The way Kazuya says it feels like Tomo has just been submerged in a tub full of ice cubes. 

“Yes. Boyfriend.” Honestly, he doesn’t know how he’s still able to maintain such a confident gait when he is being murdered by Kazuya’s eyes. 

Kazuya laughs, making Tomo inwardly cringe. “Is this what a boyfriend does? Fuck his  _ boyfriend  _ before running away, giving him mixed signals as to what that actually means? Because you know, you fucked me, we cuddled, we fell asleep in each other’s arms, and then I woke up without you beside me. No note. No text message. No calls. And then you didn’t contact me for days.  _ DAYS,  _ Tomohisa, days.”

Okay. He should really be ashamed. 

“I called everyone you knew. Jin even called me on my bullshit because we all know that virus will be afraid of you because you take a bath three times a day.”

“You take a bath four times a day,” Tomo quips, earning him a full-on glare. “Sorry.”

“This is not a laughing matter, Pi,” Kazuya says. “I know… I know where you were, honestly. I could have gone there any time, say hi to your mom and sister, but… I know you needed time. Or whatever it was you needed that’s why you left. I am not stupid. If I were you, I would have ran away too. We just crossed the line between friendship and… something else. BUT… I would have explained why I did after I calmed down. I assumed you have panicked and that’s a normal reaction, but… Pi. I wouldn’t leave you hanging.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kazuya’s smile looks sad. “It’s okay. What’s done is done. But… don’t ever call me boyfriend again, okay?”

“Why not?”

“Are you really asking that? Do I seem like a joke to you?”

This is not going towards the direction Tomo wants. “Kazuya, I am not joking.”

Kazuya shakes his head and waves at Tomo. “You just need to rest. I assume you just got back. I’ll talk to you soon, Pi, okay? Have a good night.”

“Kazuya.”

Kazuya exhales. “This is tiring. Just go home and rest, Pi.”

“No.”

“There goes that no again. You realize your No’s don’t do us any good, don’t you?”

“Fine.” Tomo sighs. “Just let me say my piece and I’ll leave you.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“I’m sorry I’m an idiot.”

“I know.”

“There is no excuse for what I did. I was really simply an idiot.”

“Uh-huh.”

Tomo sighs. “And you pretty much guessed what happened, Kazuya.  _ That is  _ exactly what happened. I panicked. I left. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I ran.”

“I know.”

Kazuya’s two-word replies are getting quite frustrating. Tomo’s patience is being tested. But he thinks he deserves it so he’s trying not to react the usual way he would have reacted. 

“And I’m here because I pretty much need to make up for that.”

“Okay,” Kazuya replies nonchalantly. “Fine. You did what you had to do. Can we both rest now? Go home.”

“I’m not yet done. I still have something to say.”

“Fine. What?”

“I miss you.”

No response. No two-word reply. Tomo feels a little satisfaction that he finally catches Kamenashi Kazuya off-guard. 

“No  _ I know? _ ” he teases. Tomo feels like he wins this round.

Kazuya clears his throat and glares at him. “And?” 

Okay. He doesn’t win this round. But no, he will not allow Kazuya to make another move this time. It’s up to his stupid ass to take a step forward and do something about this. 

So he does. 

Tomo takes a few steps towards Kazuya so suddenly that the younger man almost trips on his feet in his haste to step back. But before the younger man can move away (Tomo thinks he will run), he boldly wraps an arm around Kazuya’s tiny waist, and pulls the younger man closer to him until they’re chest to chest. 

He has to give it to the other man - Kazuya might look surprised and perhaps a little fearful, but he still managed to maintain that intimidating look. It’s clear that the younger one will never back down on this.

It’s time for the next move.

“I love you.”

Tomo still doesn’t get a reaction. Damn this man.

“I think I should repeat myself,” Tomo says, his hold on the other tightening as he matches the stare Kazuya is giving him. “I love you, Kamenashi. Or if I may be bolder, I’ll say this--I am in love with you. I want to do this with you, whatever we shall call this. I can be your secret. You can be my secret. I don’t fucking care. Just be mine.  _ Just  _ mine.”

For a flicker of a second, Tomo sees a slight softening on Kazuya’s expression, but it’s gone even before he can revel in it. 

“You don’t believe me.”

Kazuya’s stare hardens.

“Okay. That’s reasonable,” Tomo says lightly. “But don’t you think it’s also fair if you let me prove it to you?” Kazuya doesn’t respond and Tomo takes that as a sign. 

He gets his phone from his pocket without loosening his hold on Kazuya, finally earning him a curious gaze. Tomo ignores him and opens an app, typing a few words on it. After a few seconds, two simultaneous beeps resound in the genkan.

And then a few more after that. 

Tomo pockets his phone and grins at Kazuya. The latter narrows his eyes at him.

”What did you do?”

Tomo shrugs. “Check your phone.”

Kazuya pushes him away. Tomo allows him this time. He follows the younger man inside, taking his time to give Kazuya the chance to see what he’s done. 

Tomo feels a little proud of himself. For someone who’s been a drama king about this, he sure is working hard to give this a cheesy happy ending. The last piece of the puzzle is the willing participation of the other party in this love story, which seems to be a bit blurry for now.

Tomo watches from the entrance of the pristine living room as Kazuya snatches his phone from the night stand and checks why there is suddenly a huge number of notifications. 

“Fuck.” The younger man’s eyes widen comically. He lifts his head to stare at Tomo. There is a small blush on his cheeks. 

The older man tries to act casual even though his heart is beating a mile a minute.

“I told you I’m serious.”

“But… but...” Kazuya stares at his phone again. “Takki is your friend! Julie is your friend!”

Tomo shakes his head. “Julie? Nope. Not in that account. Takki, yes. And I told him he can’t stop me on this. Not anymore.”

He had called Takizawa Hideaki on his way to Kazuya just to inform him what he’s going to do. Tomo tells him that he couldn’t stop him from doing this anymore, and that they,  _ PiKame, _ could be the agency’s new secret if that’s how it needed to be.

Takki had simply sighed, knowing that Tomohisa’s stubbornness is innate and is very difficult to crack. He just reminded them to be extra careful as the agency has huge plans for them both.

Tomo doesn’t thank him. He really doesn’t need anyone’s permission for this. But he is professional like that, and if he needs this to work, he will need to inform the right people. Perhaps just not Julie. He will not allow her to touch Kazuya.

“This is just...” Kazuya looks at him again. But this time, Tomo swears the younger man is about to cry. “Pi this is… absurd. Everyone just read it and they’re all commenting and...”

Tomo crosses the distance between them. He gets the phone off Kazuya’s hands and pulls him closer to him. The younger man doesn’t protest this time, but instead looks at Tomo with uncertainty. 

There is hope there too, and it’s melting Tomo’s heart.

“I kind of really love you, Kamenashi Kazuya,” he says. He’s pretty sure he’s blushing too, but he doesn’t care. He’s supposed to blush at a time like this. 

“Kind of?” Kazuya asks, but he’s also smiling this time. There is still a trace of doubt in him, but it doesn’t seem to be directed at Tomo now.

Tomo nods. “Well, you know. We can take it one day at time. Get to know each other since I know  _ nothing  _ about you, it seems.”

Kazuya laughs at the sarcasm, the last of his walls finally crumbling down. He hooks an arm around Tomo’s neck. 

“You’re not going to run away again, are you…  _ boyfriend _ ?”

Tomo tries not to smile giddily. He really tries not to. But of course he fails. 

He shakes his head through all the smiles. “No. Not anymore. I think I just bared all my feelings. There is nothing to run away from.”

“Good.”

“So...” Tomo pulls him closer if that’s even possible. “No... punching Yamashita in the face? I mean… you’re not going to break my heart later, Kazu-chan, are you?”

“No. We’re too old for that. You told me you love me.  _ Finally.  _ And I love you too. Why wait? Just don’t deliberately break my heart again or I’ll cut every white t-shirt you own and feed them to the dogs.”

Tomo looks genuinely horrified. “Not the white shirts!”

And then they both laugh. Because it feels good to laugh over something stupid.

“But seriously, Kazuya,” Tomo says after a while. “We’re okay? You’re okay?”

The younger man nods. “Yes. I am okay. We are okay. It isn’t that hard to convince me.” 

Kazuya kisses Tomo languidly to convince him that his words are true. He’s taking his time and Tomo allows him. Kazuya seems to be sealing the deal on his own, filling the last of the cracks with reassurance. 

Tomo just kisses him back, revels at his taste. He can kiss Kazuya all day until he runs out of air to breathe. He can be patient for now and allow Kazuya to take the reins. They can do it slowly if that’s what the younger man wants.

“Pi?” 

“Hmm?” Tomo kisses him on the nose.

“I kind of... love you too,” Kazuya admits shyly. “Like… really love you too. I think I haven’t really… properly said it back yet.”

_ Okay, that’s it. _

Tomohisa picks him up, bridal style, and seals his giggling mouth with his own. He carries him towards Kazuya’s ridiculously large couch and starts showing him how much he really  _ kind of _ loves the younger man.

_ So much for your patience, huh? _

Tomo ignores the voice in his head. It keeps saying stupid things anyway.

\---

After a couple of rounds, Tomo allows Kazuya to rest and sleep. He should join him too in a bit, but he is still busy reading the comments on his private SNS account.

_ Yamatomo Shitahisa just updated his status. 2 hours ago. _

_ “I am in love with Kameya Kazunashi.”  _

100 likes. 600 comments. The motherfuckers used his status as a chatroom.

But Tomo doesn’t care. 

It’s the exact cheesy ending he is hoping for.

***

The rules he sets for himself are always irrevocable, untouchable, rigid.

Except those involving Kamenashi Kazuya. 

He is always the first in line to break his own rules when it comes to him.

Kamenashi Kazuya is the  _ fucking  _ loophole to the plans he made for himself.

He is Yamashita Tomohisa’s sole downfall.

\---

He feels a sudden tightening around his waist and smiles.

“Hey,” he greets without turning around. He can feel Kazuya’s face buried on his back. 

“Mmmrniing,” he hears a muffled greeting. “Izdtmybrkfst?”

Tomo chuckles. “I assume you just asked…  _ is that my breakfast?” _

Kazuya finally peeks from behind his shoulder. “Yes. And that looks good. When did you learn that?  _ How  _ did you learn that?” he adds with a smirk.

“Oi.”

The younger man’s laughter fills the kitchen like little bursts of sunray, slowly blanketing the large space with light that seems to glow brighter every second. 

“I’ll make you a cup of coffee,” Kazuya says as he removes his arms around Tomo. The older man wouldn’t have it of course. He twists his body around and catches Kazuya just as the younger man is about to take a step towards the espresso machine.

“Wha--”

Tomo pulls Kazuya towards him, locking his arms around the younger’s waist this time. His face is an inch away from the other, allowing him to give Kazuya a swift gesture of affection - a nose kiss. “Hi.”

Kazuya grins, his eyes closing a brief second as Tomo’s lips linger on his nose. “Hi. You’re in a good mood.”

Tomo shrugs. “I am.” Why shouldn’t he be? 

_ He’s yours now.  _ Tomo smiles as he remembers the words of the one who used to own Kazuya’s heart. It must have been difficult for Jin to say that. 

“I kind of really love you, Kamenashi.”

Kazuya giggles, but responds back. “I kind of really love you too, Yamashita.”

Tomo watches the younger man expertly make coffee for the two of them, his heart taking in the sight with a contentment he hasn’t felt for a long time now. Tomo promises that he will take care of him for as long as he can. He will not allow this damned world of theirs to snatch this one happiness that he has finally allowed himself to have.

_ Yes, Jin. He’s mine now. _

The End

**Author's Note:**

> *Yes, I know the fan who commented used the wrong Kanji and already apologized.  
> *Dedicated to rtkkmj1649 on Twitter.


End file.
